I diagnosed myself as an alcoholic 11 years ago. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar Mood Disorder six months ago. I have not had a drink, drug or gamble in the 11 years since my self diagnosis all those years ago. Yet in August and September of last year I experienced a high greater than any chemical one I had ever experienced. At the time i thought it was a spiritual experience of the white light variety. But my psychiatrist had other ideas.
I had a psychiatrist because I had suffered crippling depression for many years. Medication, psychotherapy, working the steps, none of it seemed to help ( although in fairness to the program I rarely felt crippled by depression when participating in recovery events). I turned up at the psych's rooms because I had to get a medical certificate so I did not have to go back to work. I so did not want to go. I wanted this high to continue forever. But I went and he diagnosed me and prescribed me "mood stabilisers' which in a short time plunged me back into depression. But that is another story.
What I am pondering now is whether my original idea was right. I was filled with a "divine" energy that enabled me to face up to things about myself that were previously no go zones. I explored my sexuality and realised that my strongly heater persona was fake. I commenced a relationship with a gender queer person and that relationship survived the months of self hatred caused as a "side effect" of the mood stabilisers.
I am still taking mood stabilisers by the way, but my current drugs actually make me feel quite well. That is huge relief. But I cannot help seeing the whole mania thing as a giant gift from my higher power.
A "side effect" of the manic episode is that the flood gates of my creativity have been swept away.
There is a major flood heading down the valley.
Look out!
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