Thursday, 14 December 2017
ambivalence
Ambivalence
I was not expecting this. I thought she was going to suck me, but she pulled her cock out, “ you suck on this,big boy, and your big dream will come true”. I did not believe her, but I thought i would try it anyway. She had said at the bar in Soi Sea Dragon, “ You want cocksuck big boy? 1000 baht”. It was way over the normal price, but she was gorgeous. I knew she was a ladyboy by her voice, but also by the bulge in her red latex mini skirt. I gave her the money and she stuffed it her bra. Her boobs were small, almost non existent. Just two tiny tiny mounds in her white strapless top.She was right on the border of man and woman, just the way I like it.
“Round the corner, Lover”, she said as I followed her deeper into Soi Sea Dragon. She walked down a narrow alley between the the bar and the the hairdresser’s next door. “Just here, nice spot for cocksuck”, she purred as she turned to me and kissed me deep , her tongue forcing its way into my willing mouth. She was taller than me and I had to look up to kiss her properly. With her heels she was at least 4 inches taller. I tried to get my hand under her skirt, but it was skin tight, “My name Candy, what is yours?” she said as i started rolling the skirt up so i could get my hand in. “Jimmy”, I managed to get out. My throat was choked up with desire and my mouth was dry.
She gently pushed me with her left hand and pulled her enormous cock out under the skirt with her right. It was poking downwards at first, then she hitched her skirt up and it sprang to attention. I was squatting at first and looking her cock in the eye.It was purple and throbbed . The hood looked so inviting and smelled intoxicating. I was not expecting to be the cocksucker and to pay for the privilege.
But hey, I love the taste of ladyboy cock. Let’s face it, I love the taste of cock. Full stop. ( I am still a bit in denial). I licked the head and the inside of her foreskin and sucked for a while . Oh my god she tasted divine. “ You got to be on your knee”, she said after a while. So I gingerly got right down among the rubbish. I had shorts on and could feel the gravel scraping me. She leaned agaist the wall and sighed deeply as I worked on her.
“You have to say ‘I want you to cum in my mouth’ “, she said. I had never done this before so I asked her, “why?”. “My cum make your dream true, lover!”. The smell of her cock, the smell of her latex red mini skirt. The strong musk of man coupled with the girly smell of perfume. How could I resist?. I was not used to this though and my jaw was getting sore. “what is my big dream, Candy?”, I asked her.” “You know what it is Jimmy, you just won’t say out loud”, she replied.
As I sucked and worked on her balls and delicately rolled my tongue inside her foreskin then tried to get it into her pee-hole (her cock was big and hard and her pee-hole seemed big enough to take my tongue) I pondered what my big dream was. Maybe this was a big joke and my big dream was just to have her come in my mouth. I realised I was about to find out as she started breathing heavy and jerking. She grabbed my head and pushed her cock in as far as it would go. Back and forward, back and forward. She was working me like a man but squealing like a girl.
Then she went quiet and still. Then the dam burst and thick creamy goo poured down my thrat and over my face and shirt. I heard her scream in ecstasy and then I was jerking and cumming in my shorts. It all went black and I must have passed out, the release was so powerful.
When I came too I her heard her deep voice, it seemed deeper now, say “ come on honey we’ll get you back inside.” She pulled me up and i walked unsteadily back to the bar. It was darker now and I could not see properly. I nearly bumped into the mamasan from the bar. “Sorry” I said and my voice sounded different. Maybe it was the cum I had swallowed. The mamasan said something to me in Thai. Then I realised after a moment that I understood her. She grabbed my arm. “come with me Candy you got stuff all over your face”. She pulled me towards the Ladies. Where had Candy gone? I saw a man next to me. He actually looked a lot like me. He grinned and said, “good head job Candy!”.
I was confused. Where had Candy gone? Why was Mamasan dragging me into the Ladies. She said in Thai, which I miraculously understood, “Look to you face Candy”. She shook her head, “Tsk tsk”. Then I saw Candy in the mirror in the ladies. She looked disgusting. Cum was dripping from her face onto her top, her lipstick was smeared all over her face, her hair was a mess. I turned around to her, she must be behind me. Nobody there. My knees were aching and I could feel blood dripping down. I bent over to look. That was when I saw I was wearing the red latex skirt. I looked at the mirror again and touched my face. It was me in the mirror!
I somehow knew Mamasan’s name was Kimmie, and I somehow knew what to do. “Kimmie, I need to out back to the room”. Kimmie was unmoved.”You gave him head job, where is my barfine?”. She stood there while I felt around in “my” bra for the money I had given Candy. It was not there. Jimmie shook her head then slapped me hard. “You give away free cause you love it so much. Well next 5 times you give all your money to me.” I started to cry, I didn’t want to but it was so unfair. But again I somehow knew it was useless to argue. I wiped my face with a paper towel, tears were burning my eyes. Thick mascara was running in rivers into my eyes and down my face . I caught another look in the mirror. I was destroyed. Mamasan stood aside and I pushed myself past her and out the back to the bedroom us girls shared.
Jasmine was in there napping. She would come out to bar later when things got busy. She hugged me and said ”you ok, honey”. I sniffled and shook my head. She said “what happened sweetie?”, but I could not tell her. I didn’t believe it myself. She walked me over to the basin and tub we obviously used as a bath and helped me clean up. She was gentle and kind. I took off the stained top and skirt and my slave sandals and climbed up to the top bunk where I sleep and gave myself over to sobbing.
I must have needed a good cry. I felt better soon and sat up and looked around. Jasmine was putting her make-up on at the table we use in the corner. “Come on honey”, she said,”I’ll do yours and we can both go out and start working again”. So I climbed down and Jasmine helped me primp up. I didn’t know what was going on but i knew I had to get some boys so I could pay off Kimmie and start earning again. Part of me knew that all the boys liked me best and i could probably pay Kimmie off in a few nights. I needed to be earning money to send to my Sister in Bangkok who was sick. How did I know this. How could I speak Thai all of a sudden. I didn’t know but I had more pressing things to think about.
We walked out to the bar together. Before when i had walked ni my slave sandals it had been easy, but now i was tottering about like a drunk. When I did not think about things I was fine but when I tried to walk like a ladyboy it was really difficult. Deep inside I knew how to be Candy, but there was this overlay of my recent identity as “Jimmy’ that kept forcing its way to the front of my consciousness. Then I saw the real Jimmy. Or was I the real Jimmy. I forgot my self conscious mincing and strode over. He saw me and waved the 1000 Baht note at me. He was talking to Mint, another one of the bargirls. He showed her the banknote and pointed at his crotch.
That was too much. Us bargirls have an understanding that we do not interfere with another girls boyfriends but I did not care. I rushed over and grabbed his hand and said “You coming around the corner with me, Brad Pitt”. Mint started to protest , but he got up easy enough and started to come with me. I took him back to where it had all happened so recently, yet a lifetime ago. “What did you do”, I hissed. He smiled at me and said “I am the Angel who inspires the forsaken”.
“Why have you picked on me?” I spluttered, “I am not forsaken” then I corrected myself, “was not forsaken, I had a good job , money a house”. I breathed deeply and started to cry again. “Now I have got nothing, you have made me forsaken!”. He smiled gently, “you had forsaken yourself, I am helping you find you.” That conflicted, selfish boy is sadder and lonelier than this chimera I have created to help you learn”. He continued, “Yes, Candy is not real, she will dissolve when she sleeps and your spirit will escape back to this body I am borrowing now.” “Good luck” he said and faded away slowly despite my protests, then he was gone.
There was nothing to do but go back into the bar. At least I knew this was temporary. I realised I did not have to worry about giving head jobs anymore ,I would not exist in 24 hours. I went straight to the Ladies and looked at myself properly for the first time. I was certainly stunning. But I knew I had a cock and so I carefully adjusted my makeup, trying to look as feminine as possible, just for my own benefit; then I dreamed about someday being a real woman.
My friend Jasmine came into the bathroom. “You ok Candy,” she asked. “yes I am ok.” “I just woke up from a bad dream!”. We walked arm in arm back into the bar. I noticed the naked lust of the men who were staring at us in very disrespectful way. I could see now the fakeness in the flirty looks the girls were giving the men. I could see the desperation in their eyes. I could feel disgust the girls had for the farangs and their noise, their lust and their selfishness. I gave 5 headjobs that night and paid back Kimmie.
I was not expecting this. I thought she was going to suck me, but she pulled her cock out, “ you suck on this,big boy, and your big dream will come true”. I did not believe her, but I thought i would try it anyway. She had said at the bar in Soi Sea Dragon, “ You want cocksuck big boy? 1000 baht”. It was way over the normal price, but she was gorgeous. I knew she was a ladyboy by her voice, but also by the bulge in her red latex mini skirt. I gave her the money and she stuffed it her bra. Her boobs were small, almost non existent. Just two tiny tiny mounds in her white strapless top.She was right on the border of man and woman, just the way I like it.
“Round the corner, Lover”, she said as I followed her deeper into Soi Sea Dragon. She walked down a narrow alley between the the bar and the the hairdresser’s next door. “Just here, nice spot for cocksuck”, she purred as she turned to me and kissed me deep , her tongue forcing its way into my willing mouth. She was taller than me and I had to look up to kiss her properly. With her heels she was at least 4 inches taller. I tried to get my hand under her skirt, but it was skin tight, “My name Candy, what is yours?” she said as i started rolling the skirt up so i could get my hand in. “Jimmy”, I managed to get out. My throat was choked up with desire and my mouth was dry.
She gently pushed me with her left hand and pulled her enormous cock out under the skirt with her right. It was poking downwards at first, then she hitched her skirt up and it sprang to attention. I was squatting at first and looking her cock in the eye.It was purple and throbbed . The hood looked so inviting and smelled intoxicating. I was not expecting to be the cocksucker and to pay for the privilege.
But hey, I love the taste of ladyboy cock. Let’s face it, I love the taste of cock. Full stop. ( I am still a bit in denial). I licked the head and the inside of her foreskin and sucked for a while . Oh my god she tasted divine. “ You got to be on your knee”, she said after a while. So I gingerly got right down among the rubbish. I had shorts on and could feel the gravel scraping me. She leaned agaist the wall and sighed deeply as I worked on her.
“You have to say ‘I want you to cum in my mouth’ “, she said. I had never done this before so I asked her, “why?”. “My cum make your dream true, lover!”. The smell of her cock, the smell of her latex red mini skirt. The strong musk of man coupled with the girly smell of perfume. How could I resist?. I was not used to this though and my jaw was getting sore. “what is my big dream, Candy?”, I asked her.” “You know what it is Jimmy, you just won’t say out loud”, she replied.
As I sucked and worked on her balls and delicately rolled my tongue inside her foreskin then tried to get it into her pee-hole (her cock was big and hard and her pee-hole seemed big enough to take my tongue) I pondered what my big dream was. Maybe this was a big joke and my big dream was just to have her come in my mouth. I realised I was about to find out as she started breathing heavy and jerking. She grabbed my head and pushed her cock in as far as it would go. Back and forward, back and forward. She was working me like a man but squealing like a girl.
Then she went quiet and still. Then the dam burst and thick creamy goo poured down my thrat and over my face and shirt. I heard her scream in ecstasy and then I was jerking and cumming in my shorts. It all went black and I must have passed out, the release was so powerful.
When I came too I her heard her deep voice, it seemed deeper now, say “ come on honey we’ll get you back inside.” She pulled me up and i walked unsteadily back to the bar. It was darker now and I could not see properly. I nearly bumped into the mamasan from the bar. “Sorry” I said and my voice sounded different. Maybe it was the cum I had swallowed. The mamasan said something to me in Thai. Then I realised after a moment that I understood her. She grabbed my arm. “come with me Candy you got stuff all over your face”. She pulled me towards the Ladies. Where had Candy gone? I saw a man next to me. He actually looked a lot like me. He grinned and said, “good head job Candy!”.
I was confused. Where had Candy gone? Why was Mamasan dragging me into the Ladies. She said in Thai, which I miraculously understood, “Look to you face Candy”. She shook her head, “Tsk tsk”. Then I saw Candy in the mirror in the ladies. She looked disgusting. Cum was dripping from her face onto her top, her lipstick was smeared all over her face, her hair was a mess. I turned around to her, she must be behind me. Nobody there. My knees were aching and I could feel blood dripping down. I bent over to look. That was when I saw I was wearing the red latex skirt. I looked at the mirror again and touched my face. It was me in the mirror!
I somehow knew Mamasan’s name was Kimmie, and I somehow knew what to do. “Kimmie, I need to out back to the room”. Kimmie was unmoved.”You gave him head job, where is my barfine?”. She stood there while I felt around in “my” bra for the money I had given Candy. It was not there. Jimmie shook her head then slapped me hard. “You give away free cause you love it so much. Well next 5 times you give all your money to me.” I started to cry, I didn’t want to but it was so unfair. But again I somehow knew it was useless to argue. I wiped my face with a paper towel, tears were burning my eyes. Thick mascara was running in rivers into my eyes and down my face . I caught another look in the mirror. I was destroyed. Mamasan stood aside and I pushed myself past her and out the back to the bedroom us girls shared.
Jasmine was in there napping. She would come out to bar later when things got busy. She hugged me and said ”you ok, honey”. I sniffled and shook my head. She said “what happened sweetie?”, but I could not tell her. I didn’t believe it myself. She walked me over to the basin and tub we obviously used as a bath and helped me clean up. She was gentle and kind. I took off the stained top and skirt and my slave sandals and climbed up to the top bunk where I sleep and gave myself over to sobbing.
I must have needed a good cry. I felt better soon and sat up and looked around. Jasmine was putting her make-up on at the table we use in the corner. “Come on honey”, she said,”I’ll do yours and we can both go out and start working again”. So I climbed down and Jasmine helped me primp up. I didn’t know what was going on but i knew I had to get some boys so I could pay off Kimmie and start earning again. Part of me knew that all the boys liked me best and i could probably pay Kimmie off in a few nights. I needed to be earning money to send to my Sister in Bangkok who was sick. How did I know this. How could I speak Thai all of a sudden. I didn’t know but I had more pressing things to think about.
We walked out to the bar together. Before when i had walked ni my slave sandals it had been easy, but now i was tottering about like a drunk. When I did not think about things I was fine but when I tried to walk like a ladyboy it was really difficult. Deep inside I knew how to be Candy, but there was this overlay of my recent identity as “Jimmy’ that kept forcing its way to the front of my consciousness. Then I saw the real Jimmy. Or was I the real Jimmy. I forgot my self conscious mincing and strode over. He saw me and waved the 1000 Baht note at me. He was talking to Mint, another one of the bargirls. He showed her the banknote and pointed at his crotch.
That was too much. Us bargirls have an understanding that we do not interfere with another girls boyfriends but I did not care. I rushed over and grabbed his hand and said “You coming around the corner with me, Brad Pitt”. Mint started to protest , but he got up easy enough and started to come with me. I took him back to where it had all happened so recently, yet a lifetime ago. “What did you do”, I hissed. He smiled at me and said “I am the Angel who inspires the forsaken”.
“Why have you picked on me?” I spluttered, “I am not forsaken” then I corrected myself, “was not forsaken, I had a good job , money a house”. I breathed deeply and started to cry again. “Now I have got nothing, you have made me forsaken!”. He smiled gently, “you had forsaken yourself, I am helping you find you.” That conflicted, selfish boy is sadder and lonelier than this chimera I have created to help you learn”. He continued, “Yes, Candy is not real, she will dissolve when she sleeps and your spirit will escape back to this body I am borrowing now.” “Good luck” he said and faded away slowly despite my protests, then he was gone.
There was nothing to do but go back into the bar. At least I knew this was temporary. I realised I did not have to worry about giving head jobs anymore ,I would not exist in 24 hours. I went straight to the Ladies and looked at myself properly for the first time. I was certainly stunning. But I knew I had a cock and so I carefully adjusted my makeup, trying to look as feminine as possible, just for my own benefit; then I dreamed about someday being a real woman.
My friend Jasmine came into the bathroom. “You ok Candy,” she asked. “yes I am ok.” “I just woke up from a bad dream!”. We walked arm in arm back into the bar. I noticed the naked lust of the men who were staring at us in very disrespectful way. I could see now the fakeness in the flirty looks the girls were giving the men. I could see the desperation in their eyes. I could feel disgust the girls had for the farangs and their noise, their lust and their selfishness. I gave 5 headjobs that night and paid back Kimmie.
Ambivalence
I was not expecting this. I thought she was going to suck me, but she pulled her cock out, “ you suck on this,big boy, and your big dream will come true”. I did not believe her, but I thought i would try it anyway. She had said at the bar in Soi Sea Dragon, “ You want cocksuck big boy? 1000 baht”. It was way over the normal price, but she was gorgeous. I knew she was a ladyboy by her voice, but also by the bulge in her red latex mini skirt. I gave her the money and she stuffed it her bra. Her boobs were small, almost non existent. Just two tiny tiny mounds in her white strapless top.She was right on the border of man and woman, just the way I like it.
“Round the corner, Lover”, she said as I followed her deeper into Soi Sea Dragon. She walked down a narrow alley between the the bar and the the hairdresser’s next door. “Just here, nice spot for cocksuck”, she purred as she turned to me and kissed me deep , her tongue forcing its way into my willing mouth. She was taller than me and I had to look up to kiss her properly. With her heels she was at least 4 inches taller. I tried to get my hand under her skirt, but it was skin tight, “My name Candy, what is yours?” she said as i started rolling the skirt up so i could get my hand in. “Jimmy”, I managed to get out. My throat was choked up with desire and my mouth was dry.
She gently pushed me with her left hand and pulled her enormous cock out under the skirt with her right. It was poking downwards at first, then she hitched her skirt up and it sprang to attention. I was squatting at first and looking her cock in the eye.It was purple and throbbed . The hood looked so inviting and smelled intoxicating. I was not expecting to be the cocksucker and to pay for the privilege.
But hey, I love the taste of ladyboy cock. Let’s face it, I love the taste of cock. Full stop. ( I am still a bit in denial). I licked the head and the inside of her foreskin and sucked for a while . Oh my god she tasted divine. “ You got to be on your knee”, she said after a while. So I gingerly got right down among the rubbish. I had shorts on and could feel the gravel scraping me. She leaned agaist the wall and sighed deeply as I worked on her.
“You have to say ‘I want you to cum in my mouth’ “, she said. I had never done this before so I asked her, “why?”. “My cum make your dream true, lover!”. The smell of her cock, the smell of her latex red mini skirt. The strong musk of man coupled with the girly smell of perfume. How could I resist?. I was not used to this though and my jaw was getting sore. “what is my big dream, Candy?”, I asked her.” “You know what it is Jimmy, you just won’t say out loud”, she replied.
As I sucked and worked on her balls and delicately rolled my tongue inside her foreskin then tried to get it into her pee-hole (her cock was big and hard and her pee-hole seemed big enough to take my tongue) I pondered what my big dream was. Maybe this was a big joke and my big dream was just to have her come in my mouth. I realised I was about to find out as she started breathing heavy and jerking. She grabbed my head and pushed her cock in as far as it would go. Back and forward, back and forward. She was working me like a man but squealing like a girl.
Then she went quiet and still. Then the dam burst and thick creamy goo poured down my thrat and over my face and shirt. I heard her scream in ecstasy and then I was jerking and cumming in my shorts. It all went black and I must have passed out, the release was so powerful.
When I came too I her heard her deep voice, it seemed deeper now, say “ come on honey we’ll get you back inside.” She pulled me up and i walked unsteadily back to the bar. It was darker now and I could not see properly. I nearly bumped into the mamasan from the bar. “Sorry” I said and my voice sounded different. Maybe it was the cum I had swallowed. The mamasan said something to me in Thai. Then I realised after a moment that I understood her. She grabbed my arm. “come with me Candy you got stuff all over your face”. She pulled me towards the Ladies. Where had Candy gone? I saw a man next to me. He actually looked a lot like me. He grinned and said, “good head job Candy!”.
I was confused. Where had Candy gone? Why was Mamasan dragging me into the Ladies. She said in Thai, which I miraculously understood, “Look to you face Candy”. She shook her head, “Tsk tsk”. Then I saw Candy in the mirror in the ladies. She looked disgusting. Cum was dripping from her face onto her top, her lipstick was smeared all over her face, her hair was a mess. I turned around to her, she must be behind me. Nobody there. My knees were aching and I could feel blood dripping down. I bent over to look. That was when I saw I was wearing the red latex skirt. I looked at the mirror again and touched my face. It was me in the mirror!
I somehow knew Mamasan’s name was Kimmie, and I somehow knew what to do. “Kimmie, I need to out back to the room”. Kimmie was unmoved.”You gave him head job, where is my barfine?”. She stood there while I felt around in “my” bra for the money I had given Candy. It was not there. Jimmie shook her head then slapped me hard. “You give away free cause you love it so much. Well next 5 times you give all your money to me.” I started to cry, I didn’t want to but it was so unfair. But again I somehow knew it was useless to argue. I wiped my face with a paper towel, tears were burning my eyes. Thick mascara was running in rivers into my eyes and down my face . I caught another look in the mirror. I was destroyed. Mamasan stood aside and I pushed myself past her and out the back to the bedroom us girls shared.
Jasmine was in there napping. She would come out to bar later when things got busy. She hugged me and said ”you ok, honey”. I sniffled and shook my head. She said “what happened sweetie?”, but I could not tell her. I didn’t believe it myself. She walked me over to the basin and tub we obviously used as a bath and helped me clean up. She was gentle and kind. I took off the stained top and skirt and my slave sandals and climbed up to the top bunk where I sleep and gave myself over to sobbing.
I must have needed a good cry. I felt better soon and sat up and looked around. Jasmine was putting her make-up on at the table we use in the corner. “Come on honey”, she said,”I’ll do yours and we can both go out and start working again”. So I climbed down and Jasmine helped me primp up. I didn’t know what was going on but i knew I had to get some boys so I could pay off Kimmie and start earning again. Part of me knew that all the boys liked me best and i could probably pay Kimmie off in a few nights. I needed to be earning money to send to my Sister in Bangkok who was sick. How did I know this. How could I speak Thai all of a sudden. I didn’t know but I had more pressing things to think about.
We walked out to the bar together. Before when i had walked ni my slave sandals it had been easy, but now i was tottering about like a drunk. When I did not think about things I was fine but when I tried to walk like a ladyboy it was really difficult. Deep inside I knew how to be Candy, but there was this overlay of my recent identity as “Jimmy’ that kept forcing its way to the front of my consciousness. Then I saw the real Jimmy. Or was I the real Jimmy. I forgot my self conscious mincing and strode over. He saw me and waved the 1000 Baht note at me. He was talking to Mint, another one of the bargirls. He showed her the banknote and pointed at his crotch.
That was too much. Us bargirls have an understanding that we do not interfere with another girls boyfriends but I did not care. I rushed over and grabbed his hand and said “You coming around the corner with me, Brad Pitt”. Mint started to protest , but he got up easy enough and started to come with me. I took him back to where it had all happened so recently, yet a lifetime ago. “What did you do”, I hissed. He smiled at me and said “I am the Angel who inspires the forsaken”.
“Why have you picked on me?” I spluttered, “I am not forsaken” then I corrected myself, “was not forsaken, I had a good job , money a house”. I breathed deeply and started to cry again. “Now I have got nothing, you have made me forsaken!”. He smiled gently, “you had forsaken yourself, I am helping you find you.” That conflicted, selfish boy is sadder and lonelier than this chimera I have created to help you learn”. He continued, “Yes, Candy is not real, she will dissolve when she sleeps and your spirit will escape back to this body I am borrowing now.” “Good luck” he said and faded away slowly despite my protests, then he was gone.
There was nothing to do but go back into the bar. At least I knew this was temporary. I realised I did not have to worry about giving head jobs anymore ,I would not exist in 24 hours. I went straight to the Ladies and looked at myself properly for the first time. I was certainly stunning. But I knew I had a cock and so I carefully adjusted my makeup, trying to look as feminine as possible, just for my own benefit; then I dreamed about someday being a real woman.
My friend Jasmine came into the bathroom. “You ok Candy,” she asked. “yes I am ok.” “I just woke up from a bad dream!”. We walked arm in arm back into the bar. I noticed the naked lust of the men who were staring at us in very disrespectful way. I could see now the fakeness in the flirty looks the girls were giving the men. I could see the desperation in their eyes. I could feel disgust the girls had for the farangs and their noise, their lust and their selfishness. I gave 5 headjobs that night and paid back Kimmie.
I was not expecting this. I thought she was going to suck me, but she pulled her cock out, “ you suck on this,big boy, and your big dream will come true”. I did not believe her, but I thought i would try it anyway. She had said at the bar in Soi Sea Dragon, “ You want cocksuck big boy? 1000 baht”. It was way over the normal price, but she was gorgeous. I knew she was a ladyboy by her voice, but also by the bulge in her red latex mini skirt. I gave her the money and she stuffed it her bra. Her boobs were small, almost non existent. Just two tiny tiny mounds in her white strapless top.She was right on the border of man and woman, just the way I like it.
“Round the corner, Lover”, she said as I followed her deeper into Soi Sea Dragon. She walked down a narrow alley between the the bar and the the hairdresser’s next door. “Just here, nice spot for cocksuck”, she purred as she turned to me and kissed me deep , her tongue forcing its way into my willing mouth. She was taller than me and I had to look up to kiss her properly. With her heels she was at least 4 inches taller. I tried to get my hand under her skirt, but it was skin tight, “My name Candy, what is yours?” she said as i started rolling the skirt up so i could get my hand in. “Jimmy”, I managed to get out. My throat was choked up with desire and my mouth was dry.
She gently pushed me with her left hand and pulled her enormous cock out under the skirt with her right. It was poking downwards at first, then she hitched her skirt up and it sprang to attention. I was squatting at first and looking her cock in the eye.It was purple and throbbed . The hood looked so inviting and smelled intoxicating. I was not expecting to be the cocksucker and to pay for the privilege.
But hey, I love the taste of ladyboy cock. Let’s face it, I love the taste of cock. Full stop. ( I am still a bit in denial). I licked the head and the inside of her foreskin and sucked for a while . Oh my god she tasted divine. “ You got to be on your knee”, she said after a while. So I gingerly got right down among the rubbish. I had shorts on and could feel the gravel scraping me. She leaned agaist the wall and sighed deeply as I worked on her.
“You have to say ‘I want you to cum in my mouth’ “, she said. I had never done this before so I asked her, “why?”. “My cum make your dream true, lover!”. The smell of her cock, the smell of her latex red mini skirt. The strong musk of man coupled with the girly smell of perfume. How could I resist?. I was not used to this though and my jaw was getting sore. “what is my big dream, Candy?”, I asked her.” “You know what it is Jimmy, you just won’t say out loud”, she replied.
As I sucked and worked on her balls and delicately rolled my tongue inside her foreskin then tried to get it into her pee-hole (her cock was big and hard and her pee-hole seemed big enough to take my tongue) I pondered what my big dream was. Maybe this was a big joke and my big dream was just to have her come in my mouth. I realised I was about to find out as she started breathing heavy and jerking. She grabbed my head and pushed her cock in as far as it would go. Back and forward, back and forward. She was working me like a man but squealing like a girl.
Then she went quiet and still. Then the dam burst and thick creamy goo poured down my thrat and over my face and shirt. I heard her scream in ecstasy and then I was jerking and cumming in my shorts. It all went black and I must have passed out, the release was so powerful.
When I came too I her heard her deep voice, it seemed deeper now, say “ come on honey we’ll get you back inside.” She pulled me up and i walked unsteadily back to the bar. It was darker now and I could not see properly. I nearly bumped into the mamasan from the bar. “Sorry” I said and my voice sounded different. Maybe it was the cum I had swallowed. The mamasan said something to me in Thai. Then I realised after a moment that I understood her. She grabbed my arm. “come with me Candy you got stuff all over your face”. She pulled me towards the Ladies. Where had Candy gone? I saw a man next to me. He actually looked a lot like me. He grinned and said, “good head job Candy!”.
I was confused. Where had Candy gone? Why was Mamasan dragging me into the Ladies. She said in Thai, which I miraculously understood, “Look to you face Candy”. She shook her head, “Tsk tsk”. Then I saw Candy in the mirror in the ladies. She looked disgusting. Cum was dripping from her face onto her top, her lipstick was smeared all over her face, her hair was a mess. I turned around to her, she must be behind me. Nobody there. My knees were aching and I could feel blood dripping down. I bent over to look. That was when I saw I was wearing the red latex skirt. I looked at the mirror again and touched my face. It was me in the mirror!
I somehow knew Mamasan’s name was Kimmie, and I somehow knew what to do. “Kimmie, I need to out back to the room”. Kimmie was unmoved.”You gave him head job, where is my barfine?”. She stood there while I felt around in “my” bra for the money I had given Candy. It was not there. Jimmie shook her head then slapped me hard. “You give away free cause you love it so much. Well next 5 times you give all your money to me.” I started to cry, I didn’t want to but it was so unfair. But again I somehow knew it was useless to argue. I wiped my face with a paper towel, tears were burning my eyes. Thick mascara was running in rivers into my eyes and down my face . I caught another look in the mirror. I was destroyed. Mamasan stood aside and I pushed myself past her and out the back to the bedroom us girls shared.
Jasmine was in there napping. She would come out to bar later when things got busy. She hugged me and said ”you ok, honey”. I sniffled and shook my head. She said “what happened sweetie?”, but I could not tell her. I didn’t believe it myself. She walked me over to the basin and tub we obviously used as a bath and helped me clean up. She was gentle and kind. I took off the stained top and skirt and my slave sandals and climbed up to the top bunk where I sleep and gave myself over to sobbing.
I must have needed a good cry. I felt better soon and sat up and looked around. Jasmine was putting her make-up on at the table we use in the corner. “Come on honey”, she said,”I’ll do yours and we can both go out and start working again”. So I climbed down and Jasmine helped me primp up. I didn’t know what was going on but i knew I had to get some boys so I could pay off Kimmie and start earning again. Part of me knew that all the boys liked me best and i could probably pay Kimmie off in a few nights. I needed to be earning money to send to my Sister in Bangkok who was sick. How did I know this. How could I speak Thai all of a sudden. I didn’t know but I had more pressing things to think about.
We walked out to the bar together. Before when i had walked ni my slave sandals it had been easy, but now i was tottering about like a drunk. When I did not think about things I was fine but when I tried to walk like a ladyboy it was really difficult. Deep inside I knew how to be Candy, but there was this overlay of my recent identity as “Jimmy’ that kept forcing its way to the front of my consciousness. Then I saw the real Jimmy. Or was I the real Jimmy. I forgot my self conscious mincing and strode over. He saw me and waved the 1000 Baht note at me. He was talking to Mint, another one of the bargirls. He showed her the banknote and pointed at his crotch.
That was too much. Us bargirls have an understanding that we do not interfere with another girls boyfriends but I did not care. I rushed over and grabbed his hand and said “You coming around the corner with me, Brad Pitt”. Mint started to protest , but he got up easy enough and started to come with me. I took him back to where it had all happened so recently, yet a lifetime ago. “What did you do”, I hissed. He smiled at me and said “I am the Angel who inspires the forsaken”.
“Why have you picked on me?” I spluttered, “I am not forsaken” then I corrected myself, “was not forsaken, I had a good job , money a house”. I breathed deeply and started to cry again. “Now I have got nothing, you have made me forsaken!”. He smiled gently, “you had forsaken yourself, I am helping you find you.” That conflicted, selfish boy is sadder and lonelier than this chimera I have created to help you learn”. He continued, “Yes, Candy is not real, she will dissolve when she sleeps and your spirit will escape back to this body I am borrowing now.” “Good luck” he said and faded away slowly despite my protests, then he was gone.
There was nothing to do but go back into the bar. At least I knew this was temporary. I realised I did not have to worry about giving head jobs anymore ,I would not exist in 24 hours. I went straight to the Ladies and looked at myself properly for the first time. I was certainly stunning. But I knew I had a cock and so I carefully adjusted my makeup, trying to look as feminine as possible, just for my own benefit; then I dreamed about someday being a real woman.
My friend Jasmine came into the bathroom. “You ok Candy,” she asked. “yes I am ok.” “I just woke up from a bad dream!”. We walked arm in arm back into the bar. I noticed the naked lust of the men who were staring at us in very disrespectful way. I could see now the fakeness in the flirty looks the girls were giving the men. I could see the desperation in their eyes. I could feel disgust the girls had for the farangs and their noise, their lust and their selfishness. I gave 5 headjobs that night and paid back Kimmie.
Ambivalence
I was not expecting this. I thought she was going to suck me, but she pulled her cock out, “ you suck on this,big boy, and your big dream will come true”. I did not believe her, but I thought i would try it anyway. She had said at the bar in Soi Sea Dragon, “ You want cocksuck big boy? 1000 baht”. It was way over the normal price, but she was gorgeous. I knew she was a ladyboy by her voice, but also by the bulge in her red latex mini skirt. I gave her the money and she stuffed it her bra. Her boobs were small, almost non existent. Just two tiny tiny mounds in her white strapless top.She was right on the border of man and woman, just the way I like it.
“Round the corner, Lover”, she said as I followed her deeper into Soi Sea Dragon. She walked down a narrow alley between the the bar and the the hairdresser’s next door. “Just here, nice spot for cocksuck”, she purred as she turned to me and kissed me deep , her tongue forcing its way into my willing mouth. She was taller than me and I had to look up to kiss her properly. With her heels she was at least 4 inches taller. I tried to get my hand under her skirt, but it was skin tight, “My name Candy, what is yours?” she said as i started rolling the skirt up so i could get my hand in. “Jimmy”, I managed to get out. My throat was choked up with desire and my mouth was dry.
She gently pushed me with her left hand and pulled her enormous cock out under the skirt with her right. It was poking downwards at first, then she hitched her skirt up and it sprang to attention. I was squatting at first and looking her cock in the eye.It was purple and throbbed . The hood looked so inviting and smelled intoxicating. I was not expecting to be the cocksucker and to pay for the privilege.
But hey, I love the taste of ladyboy cock. Let’s face it, I love the taste of cock. Full stop. ( I am still a bit in denial). I licked the head and the inside of her foreskin and sucked for a while . Oh my god she tasted divine. “ You got to be on your knee”, she said after a while. So I gingerly got right down among the rubbish. I had shorts on and could feel the gravel scraping me. She leaned agaist the wall and sighed deeply as I worked on her.
“You have to say ‘I want you to cum in my mouth’ “, she said. I had never done this before so I asked her, “why?”. “My cum make your dream true, lover!”. The smell of her cock, the smell of her latex red mini skirt. The strong musk of man coupled with the girly smell of perfume. How could I resist?. I was not used to this though and my jaw was getting sore. “what is my big dream, Candy?”, I asked her.” “You know what it is Jimmy, you just won’t say out loud”, she replied.
As I sucked and worked on her balls and delicately rolled my tongue inside her foreskin then tried to get it into her pee-hole (her cock was big and hard and her pee-hole seemed big enough to take my tongue) I pondered what my big dream was. Maybe this was a big joke and my big dream was just to have her come in my mouth. I realised I was about to find out as she started breathing heavy and jerking. She grabbed my head and pushed her cock in as far as it would go. Back and forward, back and forward. She was working me like a man but squealing like a girl.
Then she went quiet and still. Then the dam burst and thick creamy goo poured down my thrat and over my face and shirt. I heard her scream in ecstasy and then I was jerking and cumming in my shorts. It all went black and I must have passed out, the release was so powerful.
When I came too I her heard her deep voice, it seemed deeper now, say “ come on honey we’ll get you back inside.” She pulled me up and i walked unsteadily back to the bar. It was darker now and I could not see properly. I nearly bumped into the mamasan from the bar. “Sorry” I said and my voice sounded different. Maybe it was the cum I had swallowed. The mamasan said something to me in Thai. Then I realised after a moment that I understood her. She grabbed my arm. “come with me Candy you got stuff all over your face”. She pulled me towards the Ladies. Where had Candy gone? I saw a man next to me. He actually looked a lot like me. He grinned and said, “good head job Candy!”.
I was confused. Where had Candy gone? Why was Mamasan dragging me into the Ladies. She said in Thai, which I miraculously understood, “Look to you face Candy”. She shook her head, “Tsk tsk”. Then I saw Candy in the mirror in the ladies. She looked disgusting. Cum was dripping from her face onto her top, her lipstick was smeared all over her face, her hair was a mess. I turned around to her, she must be behind me. Nobody there. My knees were aching and I could feel blood dripping down. I bent over to look. That was when I saw I was wearing the red latex skirt. I looked at the mirror again and touched my face. It was me in the mirror!
I somehow knew Mamasan’s name was Kimmie, and I somehow knew what to do. “Kimmie, I need to out back to the room”. Kimmie was unmoved.”You gave him head job, where is my barfine?”. She stood there while I felt around in “my” bra for the money I had given Candy. It was not there. Jimmie shook her head then slapped me hard. “You give away free cause you love it so much. Well next 5 times you give all your money to me.” I started to cry, I didn’t want to but it was so unfair. But again I somehow knew it was useless to argue. I wiped my face with a paper towel, tears were burning my eyes. Thick mascara was running in rivers into my eyes and down my face . I caught another look in the mirror. I was destroyed. Mamasan stood aside and I pushed myself past her and out the back to the bedroom us girls shared.
Jasmine was in there napping. She would come out to bar later when things got busy. She hugged me and said ”you ok, honey”. I sniffled and shook my head. She said “what happened sweetie?”, but I could not tell her. I didn’t believe it myself. She walked me over to the basin and tub we obviously used as a bath and helped me clean up. She was gentle and kind. I took off the stained top and skirt and my slave sandals and climbed up to the top bunk where I sleep and gave myself over to sobbing.
I must have needed a good cry. I felt better soon and sat up and looked around. Jasmine was putting her make-up on at the table we use in the corner. “Come on honey”, she said,”I’ll do yours and we can both go out and start working again”. So I climbed down and Jasmine helped me primp up. I didn’t know what was going on but i knew I had to get some boys so I could pay off Kimmie and start earning again. Part of me knew that all the boys liked me best and i could probably pay Kimmie off in a few nights. I needed to be earning money to send to my Sister in Bangkok who was sick. How did I know this. How could I speak Thai all of a sudden. I didn’t know but I had more pressing things to think about.
We walked out to the bar together. Before when i had walked ni my slave sandals it had been easy, but now i was tottering about like a drunk. When I did not think about things I was fine but when I tried to walk like a ladyboy it was really difficult. Deep inside I knew how to be Candy, but there was this overlay of my recent identity as “Jimmy’ that kept forcing its way to the front of my consciousness. Then I saw the real Jimmy. Or was I the real Jimmy. I forgot my self conscious mincing and strode over. He saw me and waved the 1000 Baht note at me. He was talking to Mint, another one of the bargirls. He showed her the banknote and pointed at his crotch.
That was too much. Us bargirls have an understanding that we do not interfere with another girls boyfriends but I did not care. I rushed over and grabbed his hand and said “You coming around the corner with me, Brad Pitt”. Mint started to protest , but he got up easy enough and started to come with me. I took him back to where it had all happened so recently, yet a lifetime ago. “What did you do”, I hissed. He smiled at me and said “I am the Angel who inspires the forsaken”.
“Why have you picked on me?” I spluttered, “I am not forsaken” then I corrected myself, “was not forsaken, I had a good job , money a house”. I breathed deeply and started to cry again. “Now I have got nothing, you have made me forsaken!”. He smiled gently, “you had forsaken yourself, I am helping you find you.” That conflicted, selfish boy is sadder and lonelier than this chimera I have created to help you learn”. He continued, “Yes, Candy is not real, she will dissolve when she sleeps and your spirit will escape back to this body I am borrowing now.” “Good luck” he said and faded away slowly despite my protests, then he was gone.
There was nothing to do but go back into the bar. At least I knew this was temporary. I realised I did not have to worry about giving head jobs anymore ,I would not exist in 24 hours. I went straight to the Ladies and looked at myself properly for the first time. I was certainly stunning. But I knew I had a cock and so I carefully adjusted my makeup, trying to look as feminine as possible, just for my own benefit; then I dreamed about someday being a real woman.
My friend Jasmine came into the bathroom. “You ok Candy,” she asked. “yes I am ok.” “I just woke up from a bad dream!”. We walked arm in arm back into the bar. I noticed the naked lust of the men who were staring at us in very disrespectful way. I could see now the fakeness in the flirty looks the girls were giving the men. I could see the desperation in their eyes. I could feel disgust the girls had for the farangs and their noise, their lust and their selfishness. I gave 5 headjobs that night and paid back Kimmie.
I was not expecting this. I thought she was going to suck me, but she pulled her cock out, “ you suck on this,big boy, and your big dream will come true”. I did not believe her, but I thought i would try it anyway. She had said at the bar in Soi Sea Dragon, “ You want cocksuck big boy? 1000 baht”. It was way over the normal price, but she was gorgeous. I knew she was a ladyboy by her voice, but also by the bulge in her red latex mini skirt. I gave her the money and she stuffed it her bra. Her boobs were small, almost non existent. Just two tiny tiny mounds in her white strapless top.She was right on the border of man and woman, just the way I like it.
“Round the corner, Lover”, she said as I followed her deeper into Soi Sea Dragon. She walked down a narrow alley between the the bar and the the hairdresser’s next door. “Just here, nice spot for cocksuck”, she purred as she turned to me and kissed me deep , her tongue forcing its way into my willing mouth. She was taller than me and I had to look up to kiss her properly. With her heels she was at least 4 inches taller. I tried to get my hand under her skirt, but it was skin tight, “My name Candy, what is yours?” she said as i started rolling the skirt up so i could get my hand in. “Jimmy”, I managed to get out. My throat was choked up with desire and my mouth was dry.
She gently pushed me with her left hand and pulled her enormous cock out under the skirt with her right. It was poking downwards at first, then she hitched her skirt up and it sprang to attention. I was squatting at first and looking her cock in the eye.It was purple and throbbed . The hood looked so inviting and smelled intoxicating. I was not expecting to be the cocksucker and to pay for the privilege.
But hey, I love the taste of ladyboy cock. Let’s face it, I love the taste of cock. Full stop. ( I am still a bit in denial). I licked the head and the inside of her foreskin and sucked for a while . Oh my god she tasted divine. “ You got to be on your knee”, she said after a while. So I gingerly got right down among the rubbish. I had shorts on and could feel the gravel scraping me. She leaned agaist the wall and sighed deeply as I worked on her.
“You have to say ‘I want you to cum in my mouth’ “, she said. I had never done this before so I asked her, “why?”. “My cum make your dream true, lover!”. The smell of her cock, the smell of her latex red mini skirt. The strong musk of man coupled with the girly smell of perfume. How could I resist?. I was not used to this though and my jaw was getting sore. “what is my big dream, Candy?”, I asked her.” “You know what it is Jimmy, you just won’t say out loud”, she replied.
As I sucked and worked on her balls and delicately rolled my tongue inside her foreskin then tried to get it into her pee-hole (her cock was big and hard and her pee-hole seemed big enough to take my tongue) I pondered what my big dream was. Maybe this was a big joke and my big dream was just to have her come in my mouth. I realised I was about to find out as she started breathing heavy and jerking. She grabbed my head and pushed her cock in as far as it would go. Back and forward, back and forward. She was working me like a man but squealing like a girl.
Then she went quiet and still. Then the dam burst and thick creamy goo poured down my thrat and over my face and shirt. I heard her scream in ecstasy and then I was jerking and cumming in my shorts. It all went black and I must have passed out, the release was so powerful.
When I came too I her heard her deep voice, it seemed deeper now, say “ come on honey we’ll get you back inside.” She pulled me up and i walked unsteadily back to the bar. It was darker now and I could not see properly. I nearly bumped into the mamasan from the bar. “Sorry” I said and my voice sounded different. Maybe it was the cum I had swallowed. The mamasan said something to me in Thai. Then I realised after a moment that I understood her. She grabbed my arm. “come with me Candy you got stuff all over your face”. She pulled me towards the Ladies. Where had Candy gone? I saw a man next to me. He actually looked a lot like me. He grinned and said, “good head job Candy!”.
I was confused. Where had Candy gone? Why was Mamasan dragging me into the Ladies. She said in Thai, which I miraculously understood, “Look to you face Candy”. She shook her head, “Tsk tsk”. Then I saw Candy in the mirror in the ladies. She looked disgusting. Cum was dripping from her face onto her top, her lipstick was smeared all over her face, her hair was a mess. I turned around to her, she must be behind me. Nobody there. My knees were aching and I could feel blood dripping down. I bent over to look. That was when I saw I was wearing the red latex skirt. I looked at the mirror again and touched my face. It was me in the mirror!
I somehow knew Mamasan’s name was Kimmie, and I somehow knew what to do. “Kimmie, I need to out back to the room”. Kimmie was unmoved.”You gave him head job, where is my barfine?”. She stood there while I felt around in “my” bra for the money I had given Candy. It was not there. Jimmie shook her head then slapped me hard. “You give away free cause you love it so much. Well next 5 times you give all your money to me.” I started to cry, I didn’t want to but it was so unfair. But again I somehow knew it was useless to argue. I wiped my face with a paper towel, tears were burning my eyes. Thick mascara was running in rivers into my eyes and down my face . I caught another look in the mirror. I was destroyed. Mamasan stood aside and I pushed myself past her and out the back to the bedroom us girls shared.
Jasmine was in there napping. She would come out to bar later when things got busy. She hugged me and said ”you ok, honey”. I sniffled and shook my head. She said “what happened sweetie?”, but I could not tell her. I didn’t believe it myself. She walked me over to the basin and tub we obviously used as a bath and helped me clean up. She was gentle and kind. I took off the stained top and skirt and my slave sandals and climbed up to the top bunk where I sleep and gave myself over to sobbing.
I must have needed a good cry. I felt better soon and sat up and looked around. Jasmine was putting her make-up on at the table we use in the corner. “Come on honey”, she said,”I’ll do yours and we can both go out and start working again”. So I climbed down and Jasmine helped me primp up. I didn’t know what was going on but i knew I had to get some boys so I could pay off Kimmie and start earning again. Part of me knew that all the boys liked me best and i could probably pay Kimmie off in a few nights. I needed to be earning money to send to my Sister in Bangkok who was sick. How did I know this. How could I speak Thai all of a sudden. I didn’t know but I had more pressing things to think about.
We walked out to the bar together. Before when i had walked ni my slave sandals it had been easy, but now i was tottering about like a drunk. When I did not think about things I was fine but when I tried to walk like a ladyboy it was really difficult. Deep inside I knew how to be Candy, but there was this overlay of my recent identity as “Jimmy’ that kept forcing its way to the front of my consciousness. Then I saw the real Jimmy. Or was I the real Jimmy. I forgot my self conscious mincing and strode over. He saw me and waved the 1000 Baht note at me. He was talking to Mint, another one of the bargirls. He showed her the banknote and pointed at his crotch.
That was too much. Us bargirls have an understanding that we do not interfere with another girls boyfriends but I did not care. I rushed over and grabbed his hand and said “You coming around the corner with me, Brad Pitt”. Mint started to protest , but he got up easy enough and started to come with me. I took him back to where it had all happened so recently, yet a lifetime ago. “What did you do”, I hissed. He smiled at me and said “I am the Angel who inspires the forsaken”.
“Why have you picked on me?” I spluttered, “I am not forsaken” then I corrected myself, “was not forsaken, I had a good job , money a house”. I breathed deeply and started to cry again. “Now I have got nothing, you have made me forsaken!”. He smiled gently, “you had forsaken yourself, I am helping you find you.” That conflicted, selfish boy is sadder and lonelier than this chimera I have created to help you learn”. He continued, “Yes, Candy is not real, she will dissolve when she sleeps and your spirit will escape back to this body I am borrowing now.” “Good luck” he said and faded away slowly despite my protests, then he was gone.
There was nothing to do but go back into the bar. At least I knew this was temporary. I realised I did not have to worry about giving head jobs anymore ,I would not exist in 24 hours. I went straight to the Ladies and looked at myself properly for the first time. I was certainly stunning. But I knew I had a cock and so I carefully adjusted my makeup, trying to look as feminine as possible, just for my own benefit; then I dreamed about someday being a real woman.
My friend Jasmine came into the bathroom. “You ok Candy,” she asked. “yes I am ok.” “I just woke up from a bad dream!”. We walked arm in arm back into the bar. I noticed the naked lust of the men who were staring at us in very disrespectful way. I could see now the fakeness in the flirty looks the girls were giving the men. I could see the desperation in their eyes. I could feel disgust the girls had for the farangs and their noise, their lust and their selfishness. I gave 5 headjobs that night and paid back Kimmie.
Saturday, 23 July 2016
Unwilling Warrior Chapter 2
Loki does not want to move. Every fibre of his being is crying "stay". But staying is fear inducing too. He experiences his fear as nausea. Vast rolling waves in a yellow shit ocean of discomfort. He moves. He always moves. It is less intolerable than staying.
He has no idea where is when he stands. He is not cold. It is actually very hot. The thicket he was in is revealed as bamboo. His scratches are bleeding, but only in a halfhearted sort of way.There is only one course open. There only ever is one. He wrenches a knot of hair from his head and ties it to the tallest bamboo shoot, then starts to walk in a slow outward spiral from his hiding place. He needs to know where he began from, not to avoid getting lost. He is already lost.But to give him a chance of becoming found.
His slow cycling takes him gradually up a hill. At the top the city he had run from is revealed in the valley on the other side. He smells it long before he sees it. Sickly sweet, rotten fruit, human shit. And it looks like that too. He is high enough that the slums he remembers living in are made picturesque. But the smell and the waves of heat he sees shimmering up remind him of the poverty and despair of the majority of the residents.
Of course the palace is so big it is clearly recognisable, and the cathedral and the bishops house. And the asylum where he was "cured". It all becomes clearer, but he fights off the memories. He looks away from the city and is rewarded by the sight of the red cloth he used to mark the hiding spot of his emergency stash. Clothes, soap and water, food, coffee, money. He always did this. He did not always find it so easily.
He has no idea where is when he stands. He is not cold. It is actually very hot. The thicket he was in is revealed as bamboo. His scratches are bleeding, but only in a halfhearted sort of way.There is only one course open. There only ever is one. He wrenches a knot of hair from his head and ties it to the tallest bamboo shoot, then starts to walk in a slow outward spiral from his hiding place. He needs to know where he began from, not to avoid getting lost. He is already lost.But to give him a chance of becoming found.
His slow cycling takes him gradually up a hill. At the top the city he had run from is revealed in the valley on the other side. He smells it long before he sees it. Sickly sweet, rotten fruit, human shit. And it looks like that too. He is high enough that the slums he remembers living in are made picturesque. But the smell and the waves of heat he sees shimmering up remind him of the poverty and despair of the majority of the residents.
Of course the palace is so big it is clearly recognisable, and the cathedral and the bishops house. And the asylum where he was "cured". It all becomes clearer, but he fights off the memories. He looks away from the city and is rewarded by the sight of the red cloth he used to mark the hiding spot of his emergency stash. Clothes, soap and water, food, coffee, money. He always did this. He did not always find it so easily.
Tuesday, 19 July 2016
Unwilling Warrior Chapter 1 1/2. Loki Speaks.
Ah yes, storyteller. You mainly got that right. I wake up alone and frightened. But I know what has happened. The priests do not like my truth. They make me drink the water. The water is the special water from the spa. It "calms" me. It allows my fear to find me. It allows my self hatred in.
When I have drunk enough water. When I hate myself enough, when my fear is a palpable presence in my cell, then they release me.
And I run. Not from them, but from myself. Screaming, naked, bearded. I ruin terror from the one thing I cannot escape. Me.
Ah Goddess. It is hell being me, when you are denied me.
But i continue, in the hope of finding you again, and doing your will.
That is when I am truly alive.
When I have drunk enough water. When I hate myself enough, when my fear is a palpable presence in my cell, then they release me.
And I run. Not from them, but from myself. Screaming, naked, bearded. I ruin terror from the one thing I cannot escape. Me.
Ah Goddess. It is hell being me, when you are denied me.
But i continue, in the hope of finding you again, and doing your will.
That is when I am truly alive.
Thursday, 7 July 2016
Unwilling Warrior Chapter 1
Loki awakes to scratching and tickling. He is confused. He is wedged into a bush so tightly he can barely move. And when he does move the branches gouge him and the leaves tickle him on his bare feet. They are the only part of him sticking out from the tangled mess that is part human, part hedge.
He is only confused for a moment.Then fear comes rushing to embrace him like a drug addicted mother. Fear, his favoured companion, his untrustworthy lover, his pitiful mother. When everything else has abandoned him, fear returns to comfort him.
And he knows then what has happened. The gift of Our Lady ,the true mother, has left him. His memory of the specific circumstances is unclear. But it has happened so many times that he knows the drift. He has been challenging priests or monks or some other religious group. He has been telling them of the way of Our Lady where all is permitted in the name of love. He has been laughing at their buffoonery, or trying to help some poor sinner in the stocks, or wearing the scold's bridle, or being more brutally tortured. Perhaps all three.
He has lost his sense of watchfulness and has been captured. He is not tortured. He is not paraded in infamy. He is given instead to the inquisitors. They pronounce him mad, not bad. They force him to drink the salty water from the Holy Shrine. He tries not to drink, but they prick his eyes with sticks until he opens his mouth.
This goes on for days until they release him, and he runs naked, roaring like a madman, around the streets. Anyone who has heard his message, who has actually heard him, dismisses him as a madman.
He runs and runs until he finds a way out of whatever city he happens to be in. He runs naked until he finds a place he can hide.
And wakes up some time later, naked, .alone, scratched, confused. Then his bastard mother, fear, finds him. And he begins to live another day.
He is only confused for a moment.Then fear comes rushing to embrace him like a drug addicted mother. Fear, his favoured companion, his untrustworthy lover, his pitiful mother. When everything else has abandoned him, fear returns to comfort him.
And he knows then what has happened. The gift of Our Lady ,the true mother, has left him. His memory of the specific circumstances is unclear. But it has happened so many times that he knows the drift. He has been challenging priests or monks or some other religious group. He has been telling them of the way of Our Lady where all is permitted in the name of love. He has been laughing at their buffoonery, or trying to help some poor sinner in the stocks, or wearing the scold's bridle, or being more brutally tortured. Perhaps all three.
He has lost his sense of watchfulness and has been captured. He is not tortured. He is not paraded in infamy. He is given instead to the inquisitors. They pronounce him mad, not bad. They force him to drink the salty water from the Holy Shrine. He tries not to drink, but they prick his eyes with sticks until he opens his mouth.
This goes on for days until they release him, and he runs naked, roaring like a madman, around the streets. Anyone who has heard his message, who has actually heard him, dismisses him as a madman.
He runs and runs until he finds a way out of whatever city he happens to be in. He runs naked until he finds a place he can hide.
And wakes up some time later, naked, .alone, scratched, confused. Then his bastard mother, fear, finds him. And he begins to live another day.
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